So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
