just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
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