Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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