I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
