I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize