I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
