We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
