i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
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