i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
Acid is not a monday night drug
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
