if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
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