Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Randomize
