I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
