No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Randomize
