Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
