I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
