I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Randomize
