if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
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