tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
