I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
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