So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
My dad just said "fuck circus"
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
