The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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