Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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