she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Randomize
