UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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