Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Randomize
