There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
