Pappa wants mamma naked
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize