my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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