wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
