my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
