R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
