jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
