Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
