If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
