If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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