I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize