it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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