In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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