i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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