i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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