Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
