I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
