I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
