I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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