sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
