Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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