thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
