There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
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