apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
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