my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
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