I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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