If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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