Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
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