Kiss
Puke
Midget sex pt 2 tonight
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Randomize
