I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
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