Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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