we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
My breasts were aching with rage.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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