Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Randomize
